A list of some definitions as they would appear in Mrs. Webster's Dictionary.

Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning — and you don't know where the spider is now.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."

Baseball bat (bas-bol bat) n. An anti-burglar device.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus ... breathe ... push ... "

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e-ter-ni-tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Four food groups (for food groups) n. Chocolate, wine coolers, potato chips & ice cream.

Grocery list (grow-ser-ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Home (hom) n. A dwelling that ideally has the same number of bathrooms as people.

Hair dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.