I'm waging a battle over the bird feeder with a legion of squirrels that populate this neighborhood. Guess who's winning? Not me.

The bird feeder used to hang in my parents' yard, so it has sentimental value. I cleaned and hung it with a chain from the thick limb of a hackberry tree out back. No way the squirrels can get to it from there, I thought.

And the birds arrived — cardinals, mourning doves, parakeet-sized birds whose names escape me. I was amazed at how quickly the feeder needed replenishing. Not once did I see a squirrel feasting on the seed. I bragged to my neighbor when the topic of squirrels came up that they by-gosh weren't eating out of my feeder.

She burst out laughing. "I see squirrels eating from that feeder all the time. Sometimes two at once."

I was crushed. Sure enough the scales fell from my eyes. It was bad enough that one squirrel became addicted to gnawing on a cow skull serving duty as yard art. In a few more weeks the skull can qualify as a polled Hereford. It used to be a Longhorn.

(OK, actually the skull once was attached to some mongrel cow with horns. I told my banker this skull, and another now hanging on the fence, were his collateral back when I foolishly engaged in the cattle bidness.)

Not only are tree rats devouring my cow skulls, but they're feasting on bird seed instead of storing acorns for the future. In the name of fiscal rodent responsibility, I headed to the feed store to buy squirrel-proofing accessories for the bird feeder. For $20 I bought a plastic dome that I placed above the feeder so squirrels can't climb down the chain to get to the food, because they slide right off the slick surface.

I considered it a wise investment — for about 20 minutes, or a buck a minute. That's when I saw a squirrel, now nicknamed Rocky (after the cartoon squirrel, not the movie boxer), launch a Bulgarian-gymnast leap from the hackberry's trunk onto the bottom of the feeder. If there were a Tree Rat Olympics, I would have given him a 9.5 for physical ability and an 8.5 for form.

I know a fellow who took his war against squirrels to a higher level. He owns a pellet rifle with a scope. I don't know anybody else who installed a scope on a pellet rifle. Seems pretty ingenious to me. This arms escalation resulted after squirrels got into the attic and chewed up all manner of important wiring at considerable cost. I figure our part of the world could do with fewer squirrels, so I'm on his side.

That reminds me of a story I read in the Wall Street Journal. Seems that kangaroos are running wild in Australia, to the point that it's open season on the critters, which are really big tree rats in my taxonomy. They reproduce wildly and become a nuisance. Imagine if all our squirrels were the size of kangaroos. They wouldn't be considered so darn cute, is what I'm thinking. And kangaroo meat is considered a delicacy. I have eaten squirrel before. Kangaroo can't be any worse.

Emulating my pellet-rifle toting friend is tempting, except my yard's size is a fraction of his, and the neighbors are way closer. It's akin to a British neighborhood, our back yards butting up against each other so you can't help but know each other's comings-and-goings. Good thing we all like each other.

If I missed, the pellet would probably puncture my backyard neighbor's window. This likely would create ill will and insurance claims, not to mention the possibility of criminal charges.

I raised the bird feeder a few feet, so Rocky will have to hit a "10" to land on the all-you-can-eat buffet. I haven't caught him doing so yet, but I need to ask my neighbor what's happening when I'm not around.

Maybe I can get a silencer for a pellet rifle with a scope. And one of those laser sights to ensure I don't miss.

Actually, this is all Rambo talk. I've never killed a live creature with a gun and don't intend to start. Still, I wonder if one can buy a down-sized Taser that can shock a tree rat into seeking more hospitable climes.

Think I'll go online and see.

Gary Borders is publisher of the Longview News-Journal. His e-mail address is gborders@coxlnj.com.