Today I’d like to formally announce my intention to seek the Republican (really any party that will have me) nomination for President of the United States of America. This decision has come after much prayer and consideration (at least 24 whole hours) by myself and my family as well as the encouragement of our close friends (I made that part up. I’m a natural for politics, huh?).
I do not take this responsibility lightly and feel that in light of the fact that the Republican party has committed to the shotgun approach and the Democratic party has already placed a stranglehold on any party members who would dare bring a breath of fresh air and wisdom into this race then I must answer my call to civic duty. It is also true that the White House and its staff would be very much appreciated in terms of domestic tranquility and comfort, should my family and I be the elected benefactors. Mrs. Weekley will most assuredly acclimate and appreciate the amenities offered and since she already possesses a heart for children and those who are hurting I have no doubt that she will make the ideal First Lady.
My platform is simple and aims to strike a swift and viscous blow to those who tear at the very moral fabric of our great nation. As your President I will pledge to take the following actions from the minute I am sworn in:
• Chik-Fil-A on Sundays. I do appreciate and respect a company’s right to run their business as they see fit; however, its time Chik-Fil-A takes one for the team and provides high quality food and service in a fast food environment on Sundays. Don’t feel guilty Chik-Fil-A, God’s grace grants you freedom from the Pharisees who will condemn you for your efforts on the Sabbath, namely the same group of Southern Baptists who will make it a point to beat those scaliwag Methodists to your establishment as soon as service is out. Don’t run long on that sermon, brother! • Glitter will be illegal. No glitter, no time. This disease will be eradicated from the face of the earth and the blight of its stain on humanity will be forgotten with time as it heals our wounds and helps to make our nation whole again. Trust me, we don’t need to vote on this. I have your best interest in mind (see, I have the hang of this). • No more IRS. To steal a page from the book of my challenger, Rand Paul, I will propose a flat tax that drastically reduces and simplifies the tax code therefor negating the need for what has become the fourth branch of government. All tax revenue will go toward our new electronic bingo institutions. So, this finally provides the opportunity for you, the average citizen, to get a piece of the pie. Money all around! Bottle of Dom on me! • We will abolish the party system. All candidates must run on a platform of their design and not those of the established political machine. Therefore, after my victory by means of an existing established platform I will abolish said party and form a new one. This will be the Party Party and our theme song will be the timeless classic by the Beastie Boys, “(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (to Party)”. • All elected officials will immediately be part time and must use the VA system for all healthcare needs as this will be the only government provided system of healthcare, this includes the office of the POTUS. • All terrorists and political prisoners will be held in a secret location in Nevada where they will only be allowed to watch Lifetime TV. While this may be cruel and unusual punishment, we must do what we must do to secure our country against those who hate us. • All those on welfare will be required to work at various public service jobs, if physically able. Welfare will not be in perpetuity and will have a limit. • Kanye West will be deported. He’s rude, arrogant and it’s just time. Wait, he has a family now…Scratch that, one last chance Kanye. • A task force of private auditors will be assigned to aggressively identify and eradicate all pork barrel legislation and corporate bail outs. All money identified as such and recovered by this task force will be offered in a one-time payment to be divided among all taxpayers and weighted by percentage of tax to income ratio. • Term limits on every federally elected official. Good luck in the private sector, jackwagons. • Tariffs on all imported goods or services that can be sourced domestically. Sorry Wal-Mart, it is what it is. Big oil, this applies to you as well. Until the United States is 100% energy independent then we may just have to suck it up and pay a little more at the pump if necessary. It’s well worth it when looking at the big picture. • Upon any declaration of war, children of Congress that are within the ages of 18-30 will be drafted for service in our military or supporting roles where necessary and applicable. Sorry children of politicians I know it’s not exactly fair but neither is life and we have to treat this as if the majority of normal people care about their children enough to think twice before declaring war and sending someone else’s. • Being offended is the basis for nothing. If your physical or mental health isn’t clearly endangered, get over it. • Necessary moral law and absolutes will be biblical. Tenants of Christ biblical, not religious Pharisee biblical. Feel free to practice any peaceful religion you like but if you immigrate here to complain and demand change, please go back where you came from or at least somewhere else. Perhaps France, I hear it’s lovely. • Free golf lessons and golf at any course in the United States or abroad for any sitting or ex-President (getting better with each declaration). • Free morning coffee for all! Out of all the things the government currently subsidizes that shouldn’t be subsidized, surely this is a fitting replacement. People are just better after coffee.
I’d also like to be transparent to my supporters and offer the following thoughts for my presidential cabinet nominees:
Secretary of Agriculture: Although not decided, I do know it will NOT be someone from Colorado, Washington or California (for good measure).
Secretary of Defense: Chuck Norris
Secretary of Treasury: Dave Ramsey
Secretary of Justice: Walker Texas Ranger (Shut it. It’s my cab…I mean, your cabinet.)
Secretary of the Interior: Martha Stewart (forgive and forget people, she’s perfect for this)
Secretary of Commerce: Marcus Lemonis of CNBC’s The Profit
Secretary of Labor: Daymond John (The man’s a hustler. He started FUBU in his basement!)
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Madea
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: The founder of Ikea
Secretary of Transportation: Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
Secretary of Energy: Tiger Woods (Knock his decisions and golf game all you want, the man obviously has PLENTY of energy). T. Boone Pickens was a close second here.
Secretary of Education: Mike Rowe (You know, Dirty Jobs, Mike Rowe?)
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: What we know so far here is anyone but Hillary Clinton.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Liam Neeson (you’ve seen all 3 Taken movies, right?)
Secretary of Athletics: LeBron James
Secretary of Shamelessness: Dog the Bounty Hunter (Even the Prez needs folks to pick on.)
Thank you for your support. It is truly my belief that we can take back this country! With the help of each and every one of you and your grassroots effort that is exactly what we will do. Long live these beautiful United States and God Bless America!
Please make all checks to support this campaign payable to cash or send a money order to Citizens Who Support Weekley For President, 1999 Left the Reservation Drive, Krazy, TX 90210.
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