I’m offended. I’ve been done an injustice. My very happiness has been threatened. To be fair, we were only granted rights that allowed for “the pursuit of happiness” and apparently that loophole makes being a Supreme Court Judge a really big deal. However, I’ll soon be taking my list of things that offend me to my city council, county commission, state representatives, congressman, senator and all the way to our very own Supreme Court if necessary.
My case needs to be heard. No one should be subject to these travesties in any progressive country that truly represents the well-being of its citizens. The following offenses, by my fellow countrymen and many illegal aliens, have been detrimental to my pursuit and directly infringed on my quality of life:
1) Use of glitter. This abomination, better known as Satan’s dandruff, has been creeping toward world domination for decades. Those who support the use of such a dangerous element in our society have been quietly launching a crusade to ingrain glitter into our culture under the guise of being “for the kids” and “art”. It has no place in our modern world. It is invasive and intrudes on my right to glitter free privacy. Not one veteran of our country has ever gone on record as having fought to defend the use of glitter, nor has one single veteran ever been on record as having personally been a user of glitter. It’s time we put a stop to this madness before not one spec of this promised land remains glitter free.
2) Poor eating habits. We are not a third world country so it’s time we quit eating like it. It is among my inalienable rights to be able to eat or socialize in public without the disgusting, distracting, despicable, reprehensible (ran out of “d” words), grotesque, annoying, and cringe-worthy eating habits found in the general populace. I firmly believe that laws should be enacted that among the first offense of smacking or talking with your mouth full in public a UFC trained law enforcement official punches you in the face. Second offense is incarceration. If I could only count the times I’ve had an otherwise pleasant movie or dinner outing ruined by some deplorable (Hah! Another “d” word!) and apparently starved Neanderthal whose excessive crunching, bits of food or cringe-worthy smacking made me want to scream and tase them with a couple trillion volts then, well, I’d be able to count really high.
3) Males in skinny jeans. Let’s just take a common sense approach here. What if a band of ISIS terrorists storm the beaches on either coast or even the Gulf of Mexico. If all the males have to take up arms immediately to offer resistance, what happens if a group of our armed men run up in skinny jeans? Yes, you guessed it. We lose the fight for several reasons. One, your fellow combatants are laughing too hard to fight. Two, the terrorists only abstain from laughing because terrorists only laugh evil laughs and not for fun so they’re still raging war. Three, our men in their skinny jeans can’t maneuver without being too constricted. Come on, you’ve never seen one combat hero accomplish anything in jeans that tight. Now, I know the case could be made for cowboys but their jeans allow for boots and with boots, well, they make all the difference. My conclusion here is that men wearing skinny jeans support ISIS and weaken our military. Man up, fellas and wear man pants rather than something that looks like you either got them from an egg-shaped canister or you’re trying out for Peter Pan. (As a side note, although Peter Pan is a male character he is often played by females. Why you ask? Because only females will wear those tights!)
4) Being offended. If we had been proactive and already established the Pansy Police we could have avoided so much of this. Stop being offended. We can disagree. It’s okay. People disagreeing does NOT make them a bigot (look it up). People being intolerant of the opinions and ideals of others are bigots. So, people who don’t agree with gay marriage aren’t bigots any more than those who do agree with it. Stop being offended that people actually believe in God and the Bible. Stop being offended that people don’t believe in God and the Bible. Stop being offended over a flag. Stop being offended that a flag was removed from state capitols where it had no business. Everyone get over yourselves. Unless something threatens you physically or otherwise violates your basic human rights (happiness not among them) then SUCK. IT. UP. There are too many of us with too many beliefs. We cannot all agree. You can speak out. You can voice your opinion. However, from here on out, you can no longer be offended. Alright, fair enough. This is impossible. Often offense is a natural reaction and one cannot help it. How about we put it this way: Your being offended means nothing. It gives you no rights and no one should have to alter their behavior due to your offense.
*As a side note to Christians: Our God is not in the least threatened by this or anything else this fallen world has to offer. He knew it was going to happen. You should have too. His Kingdom will still come. Want to know when people will really want to know our God? When we get busy doing and quit just talking. You have every right to state your position in love for God’s children but you do not have a right to be hateful and mean to people. (Mark 12:30-31)
These 4 will make a grand start. We'll work on the rest after these are established.
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