Masculism: Man Up!
Sept. 14, 2015 at 7 p.m.
My fellow men, it’s time. It’s time we do what we have to do to gain equal standing in this world. It’s time we stare adversity and opposition in its evil man-hating eyes and openly rebuke the feminization of men worldwide.
Many social breakthroughs begin with a movement of the people. Civil rights, women’s rights, anti-war and so on. Yes, there have been misguided movements as well, and many of those can be lumped together and referred to as the Bowel Movements, but let’s move on.
I’m here to introduce Masculism. Those of us who are tired of our manly rights being trampled, shamed and underappreciated won’t take it anymore. From here on out we’ll be referred to as Masculinists. We will no longer be ashamed of being masculine. We’ll no longer be neutered by society and overbearing female influence in our lives. There will be no gender identity issues here!
Since all movements need a platform, allow me to offer the following:
- Hair growth will be championed once again, as a source of pride and masculinity. Hairy men should have no shame. No more anxiety when we clog the shower drain. No more guilt over neglecting to shave. We’re men, by God! Even those of us who can grow a nice beard with manly hair everywhere except the space between our bottom lip and chin. No more, Amish/Mennonite beard shaming! Manly hair is just plain manly.
- Manly clothing will be a source of pride. We will no longer submit to the feminization of clothing by allowing our fellow men to be shamed, tricked and brainwashed into wearing women’s pants, commonly referred to as skinny jeans. Furthermore, unless you live in the northeastern United States, every man will have at least one pair of boots in his closet. We will not wear skin-tight leotards, man purses, scarves or neckerchiefs. Feminine clothing ends now!
- Bathing will be optional at the discretion of the individual man, and not subject to the whining, complaining, or scrutiny of spouses, co-workers or friends. Men smell like men and we’ll be proud. Stop using the cute body wash your wife strategically placed in the shower. It’s all a conspiracy men. A plan to make us all smell like giggly girls on Friday night, in order to pacify the sensitive nasal proclivities of women. We’re men, and men should smell like men and be proud! Don’t worry about the less frequent family visits, the lack of intimacy from your partner, or the avoidance of your children. When this movement is established they will have no choice but to conform to our putrid manly world!
- Bodily functions will not be denied in order to pacify our sissy culture of mamby-pamby women and lady-men. You’re a man. When you chug a root beer, IPA or other manly drink with carbonation, you belch like a man and be proud. Slam that drink down and proclaim you’ll have another and see if you can bump that burp-o-meter up a notch. Men are meant to be crude and we will no longer allow the reproach of women to deny us the enjoyment of ripping one wherever we please. Eat those beans, men! Be proud of the ability to pee standing up! We have work to do.
Wake up men! Stop living the lie they want you to live. We’re not puppets. If feminists have a right to hairy legs and underarms then we’ll crush them at their own game. If they want to burn a bra, we’ll go them one better and hold a jock-strap burning rally. We will NOT be denied.
You know what to do. Light a grill, find a real man sport on television, invite your ripe-smelling buddies over, scratch, burp, grunt and be men. Be proud men! We’re not gonna take it, men! Wait, wasn’t that band called Twisted Sister and they all dressed like women? Scratch that (pun intended). Find some Johnny Cash, Waylon or other manly artist and turn it up.
Masculism is here. Be loud, be proud!
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