Hello, everyone! And welcome to America’s newest show, “What’s Wrong With Me Now!?” The only quiz show game devoted solely to all the weird and awful medical maladies that start afflicting you once you hit the age of 35 and beyond.
Yes, your body is now beginning its slow decline toward death via a dirty bomb of disease and undiagnosed ailments. So, what’s wrong with you now? Let’s find out!
You wake up on Sunday morning and suddenly discover you can’t turn your head to the left. What is wrong with you?
A. You slept on your pillow wrong
B. The fact that your mattress is 17-years-old is finally catching up with you.
C. Now that you think about it, a hazy memory emerges of you attempting a cartwheel after that third glass of wine last night in a futile attempt to prove you’re still young.
D. Neck cancer.
Despite having not worked out in a decade, your left knee has become sore and swollen. What is wrong with you?
A. You have gout. Like an old-timey king.
B. It’s about to start raining. Which you will always know now. Because congratulations, you have arthritis.
C. You made the mistake of playing with your kids on the ground for 12 minutes yesterday.
D. Knee cancer.
A red, itchy, painful rash has developed on your face for no reason whatsoever. What’s wrong with you?
A. Heat rash. Because you spent 20 minutes outside and can now apparently be defeated by the sun.
B. Mystery disease from one of your son’s preschool classmates. Probably the one who sneezed into your eyeball last week at pick-up.
C. At least five of your Facebook friends think it’s your thyroid.
D. Face cancer? Is that a thing?
When you go to the bathroom, it’s either constipation or diarrhea. There is no in-between. What is wrong with you?
A. Nothing. This is your life now.
B. Your diet. Which is awful. But which you will not be changing.
C. So help you if you’re pregnant again. You’d murder your husband, ‘ol Mr. I’ll Get A Vasectomy Soon I Promise, if you didn’t so desperately need his help raising all these feral children.
D. Colon cancer.
You can’t chew on the right side of your face anymore without excruciating pain. What is wrong with you?
A. You need a root canal. Because all those times you told the dentist you were flossing you were lying through your disgusting unflossed teeth.
B. TMJ. You don’t even know what that is. But you definitely have it now.
C. It doesn’t matter because you hate the dentist and will die before going to one.
D. Jaw cancer.
You feel bad. Just a general badness. All over. What is wrong with you?
A. Indigestion from your breakfast nachos.
B. Heart attack.
C. Panic attack.
D. All three...plus cancer!
You’ve had a dry cough for six months now. What is wrong with you?
A. Chronic bronchitis.
B. Nothing some essential oils can’t fix, which luckily 14 of your former classmates sell.
C. Allergies. Or asthma. Or acid reflux. All the As, pretty much.
D. Lung cancer. From that one cigarette you smoked in 1996 to impress Todd Peterson.
Well, looks like that’s the buzzer. As usual, there are no winners in this game. But you’ll all be going home with some consolation prizes from our sponsors. Tell them what they’ve won, Johnny.
From the makers of Advil, comes Purse Advil. Purse Advil: Like Advil but for your purse because you never not need it now.
And say hello to your very own treadmill! This beauty from NordicTrack has a smart response motor, a 10-inch interactive screen and plenty of places to hang up those clothes you’ve already worn but aren’t quite dirty yet so you don’t want to throw them in the hamper.
Be sure to tune in tomorrow when we try to figure out if that mole on your shoulder has changed shape and/or color and what is the best remedy for acne in your 40s!
Good night, America!